Today I turn 51. over half a century. I should feel old. I really feel about 29. Somedays even younger. 50 was a turning point. I’m taking steps to make myself happy. I may be making mistakes along the way, but they will be mine and I will own them.
I no longer care to live a life controlled by the whims and actions of others. So much of where my life is has been determined by the actions of others and much of where my life is, well – not what I had planned.
As many of my very close friends know, I will be getting a divorce. It is strange to say publicly, because really, when I said til death do us part – I meant it. I meant to spend the rest of my life with one person and retire together, and as we used to joke, sit on the porch in rocking chairs drinking ice tea and eating corn bread. Going through this has been a grieving process, but I think I am now ready to move on with my life. I’m not going into the reasons for this decision at this point, out of respect for my husband and our children.
Funny thing is, I will always love him, I will always care about him and always want the best life for him. Most of the people I see divorcing hate their ex-spouses. I don’t . Yes, I have some anger, but I’m working on letting it go. We have 3 children and 4 grandchildren together and I want our family to be as intact as it possibly can in this difficult situation. I want us to be friends.
I have seen friends getting divorces and when they are final everyone congratulates them , they have a party, go out to celebrate. I won’t be celebrating, or partying and don’t congratulate me. It is like a death. A death of all my childhood dreams of being married to one person for my whole life and living happily ever after. It is nothing to celebrate to lose that.
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